My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
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me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT