Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

Genius.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?