My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
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Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
RT if you could go either way.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
#NeverForget
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’m listening
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.