My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
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CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.