My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
You Might Also Like
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
never compromise your values
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”