My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready