My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all