Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??