Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.