Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.