My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
You Might Also Like
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.