My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster