My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
You Might Also Like
philosophical skeletons be like
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
not for long
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.