My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Sticker placement is key.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
It’s a gift
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”