My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right