My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”