My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I hate my earbuds.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.