My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Had a spot of bother earlier.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.