My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
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Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
LOL
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.