My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My favorite female superhero
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
