My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I’d use my best pan on you.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay