My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in