My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”