My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.