My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
“you changed” bro i was 15
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.