My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
