Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

My flabber has been gasted.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

is it too early for christmas memes

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”