Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please