My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
First I was a pebble..
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.