My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
This could’ve been an email.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.