My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
You Might Also Like
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
He has no idea 🤡
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Frog purse.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers