My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine