My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Labreador
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.