My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
congratulations to them
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.