My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*