My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*