My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
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Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze