Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

In banana years, I am bread.

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower