My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
scares
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Google Pay be like:
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”