My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.