My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.