My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy