My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

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cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”


They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts


Saying “no” is okay, setting boundaries is okay, canceling plans is okay, eating your weight in Halloween candy is okay, pushing someone down a flight of stairs when they are rude to you is okay.
It’s called self care and it’s critical.


If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what


“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.


The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order


I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”