Pennywise ain’t special I swallow kids too
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Saying “no” is okay, setting boundaries is okay, canceling plans is okay, eating your weight in Halloween candy is okay, pushing someone down a flight of stairs when they are rude to you is okay.
It’s called self care and it’s critical.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”