My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
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If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
are they though??
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[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*