My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!