My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.