My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
how much does a mortician urn in a year