My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people