My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.