My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
You Might Also Like
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.