My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
You Might Also Like
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.