My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?
Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?
Manager:
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago