My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
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Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
wtf management?!
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
#FunnyLife Insects
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Can’t, holding a grudge
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed