My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Hamburger Hinderer.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Bringing back this classic
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
