My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
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Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
PLEASE READ
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?