My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The Punning Dead.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
black phone good
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help