My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.