My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
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People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit