Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

men are simple creatures

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.