Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.