My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
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Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.