Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

liiiiiiiiike

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.