My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
grotesque if literal: baby food
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.