My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
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Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza