Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not