Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

they see me scrollin

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.