Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125