Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.