My church trusts me to collect and count the offering but not to pick up the donuts and that’s fair.
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.