Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Happy Star Wars day!

Thursday Thought.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

“OMGJK” -atheists

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!