Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.