Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

no their not

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card