My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
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The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens