My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
You Might Also Like
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]