My circle of trust is a meatball
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[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
become ungovernable
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!